Melanie Marie - My Journey

Life is a mystery

2008-05-22T17:44:00.002-04:00

Mr. P and I are still together and I have never been so happy. Last week I realized that because of him, I finally realize that 'I' matter. My dad says that is something he has been trying to get my mom to realize for almost 36 years. I hope she realizes it soon, cause it is an awesome thing to know.

To be honest, I have always been a loaner. In order to spend time around people I had to have a lot of time alone. I was worried that it was going to be really hard to live together in such a small area. We have now been here almost 4 months and I am still excited to get home from work. I actually feel like I don't get enough time with him!

Settling

2008-03-14T10:29:00.002-04:00

The wise and pretty Mir said that its better to seek than to settle. She was talking about finding the right church home but I find that this applies to where I am at in my life too. I don't want to settle and I am starting to buckle under the stress. I just don't know how to do what I need to do without crushing someone. How do you push someone away when they have nothing and no where to go? I can't do that, even if it means more stress and pain for me.

We had a fight and I'm covered in bruises...

2008-02-25T10:32:00.007-05:00

The two are completely unrelated!

We had our first official fight. It started yesterday at lunch and continued into the wee hours of the morning. As of this morning, we have it mostly resolved. Mostly. I still have a few things that I need to discuss and I have a feeling he wants to just forget that it ever happened. But I am a person who needs to have resolution and understanding. I hope he can deal with that. We both avoid conflict at all costs but I know that is not good for me, him or us.

I hope he is willing to be a partner in this relationship because right now I feel like I am alone. I feel like he is looking out for himself and barely regarding our relationship (let alone looking out for me and my well being).

As for the bruises, Mr. P LOVES fish. In addition to bringing 2 cats with him, he also came with a 5-gallon fish tank, a 10-gallon fish tank, a 20-gallon fish tank and a 55-gallon fish tank (there is also a 2-gallon tank being kept in the closet at the moment). I used to have a fish tank of my own, but decided it was way too much work and got rid of it before I moved into this smaller apartment (less than 800 sq. ft). Needless to say, we have fish coming out our ears!

Mr. P has a beautiful fish in the 55-gallon tank, it is just too aggressive for some of the other fish and needs a new home. We decided that we would set up a 55-gallon tank in my office, then manga, the 2 barbs and orangie will have a new home. It was my job to wash the gravel for the new tank... all 75 pounds of it. I spent most of yesterday afternoon on my knees in front of the shower. I had a big bucket filled with 25 pounds of gravel and water. The cleaning process was like kneading bread dough... except with rocks, and on your knees, covered in cold water. Today, my forearms have huge swollen, bruised spots where I was leaning on the tub for leverage. (Also the same EXACT part of the arm that rests on your desk when you type...) I got about 35 pounds cleaned... and I think that is all that I have in me. Poor fish, they better hope Mr. P is willing to clean the rest.

This is a big week, its going to be my nephew's 3rd birthday this weekend! I get to have my own little party with him tonight and I'm in charge of the birthday cake! I think I will make him one in the shape of a hammer or wrench, he is ALL about tools right now.

ch-ch-changes

2008-02-19T20:52:00.003-05:00

I never imagined I could be so happy or feel so good. Mr. P moved in with me 3 weeks ago and I can't believe that I lived so long without him! I love having him here, I love being together. I feel much happier, more content and stable than I ever have.

We have been together for six months, I can't believe how much my life has changed in that time. I'm not sure what is instore for the future but I am excited to find out, no matter what it is.

Still Alive....II

2007-11-28T12:34:00.000-05:00

Obviously I am taking a break from blogging. Not only are things crazy in my personal life, work has taken over every spare minute that I have.

Things are good, still dating Mr.P. Work is going through reorganization and restructuring of both companies. Since they are businesses that my father started and I'm now one of the managers, my involvement goes far deeper than if I had another job!

I've also been up and down with my health. Currently I'm dealing with gallstones and scheduling surgery to have my gallbladder removed.

Hopefully I will be back soon to start blogging again. I miss it and all the wonderful, funny people that I met. I've also not had time to keep up with my friends blogs and I hope to have time for that again soon!

PS- as far as the Tom saga goes... I'm still hearing from the idiot! But thankfully his psycho ex has stopped harrassing me. But it has been 2 weeks since he has last contacted me and I have high hopes that I will never hear from him again! HA! We will see!

Tom Update Part 1

2007-09-02T12:16:00.000-04:00

I had to look back to see when the last update I did on Tom was. WOW. Have I got shit to tell you guys. I also realized that this is going to have to be in multiple posts because there is too much good stuff to try to cram it all in one post.

About a month ago I signed into my yahoo acct to check my email. It showed that I had an offline instant message waiting from Tom. The message was as follows:

:)

My reply consisted of : ????

When I got home that night I checked to see if he had responded. He had, and he was online waiting to talk to me. This started the strangest conversation of my life. We chatted back and forth. He asked if I missed him and what I missed most. I tried to get him to explain what the hell happened, why he just stopped talking to me and why on earth he was contacting me now. It was a very confusing conversation as he was avoiding my questions and telling me how the current/ex girlfriend (depending on who you ask) was the greatest thing in his life. That she was so good, kind, caring, loving sweet and WONDERFUL. During his explanation of how perfect this woman is, I was trying to get him to answer some questions but he would just ignore me. He started asking me what I missed the most about him and was NOT satisfied when I said that I missed just having him to talk to. He tried to get me to change my answer over and over. Just when I was starting to get pissed off, my cell phone rang.

Me: hello?
Caller: This is Jennifer
Me: Jennifer..........??
Caller: Tom's girlfriend... I wanted to tell you that it is not Tom you are talking to on the computer, it is me.

WOAH. Let's just pause here and admire the level of this woman's craziness.....

The phone call lasted well over 30 minutes (I know, I know... I wish I was better at being rude to people but I am one of those dumb asses that cant hang up on a telemarketer). Jennifer had demanded that Tom give her his password to his computer and he GAVE it to her. Very Nice.

Jennifer was wanting to get me to hate Tom (like I needed help with that) and like her (um.....NO). She said that Tom had done 'this' before, meaning finding women to talk to just to piss her off. She reassured me that she did things to piss him off too, but that deep down they were meant for each other. She said that she had contacted all of the women that he has done this with and was now good friends with all of them (um...... FUCK NO). This crazy, psychotic woman was wanting to be FRIENDS. I made it perfectly clear that I wanted nothing more to do with either of them. I told her that the last person that I had contact with in this relationship was HER when she was emailing me through myspace. She started getting pissy when I wasn't falling in to best friend mode with her.

So now thanks to Tom, little miss crazy pants has my phone number, email address as well as my home address. Which she made very clear at the end of the conversation, she would use to find me to beat me senseless if I ever had anything more to do with Tom. I finally ended the conversation by yelling FUCK OFF into the phone and then promptly chucking it across the room.

Update 3.12

2007-08-25T04:16:00.000-04:00

Ok... dad was released from the hospital yesterday. Still on drugs and still in pain but getting better bit by bit.

I am doing better. This morning I got up to go to work and my car was dead. I had to get my mom to come over and give me a jump. By the time I got to work I was able to stay for 20 minutes before I was in tears. So doing MUCH better.

The redneck piece of crap, never want to think about it let alone blog about it saga is STILL going on.

To top it all off, I just had my first official fight with Mr. P. I am NOT a fighter. It was horrible. It was a combination of both our faults and a direct result of being in a long distance relationship.

I'm exhausted. I will post tomorrow... I swear.

One Step At A Time

2007-08-21T18:21:00.000-04:00

My dad's still in the hospital and will most likely be there for a few more days. But things have not gotten worse for him so that is good.

I'm off work for the rest of the week on doctor's orders because I have strep throat. What fun!

Hopefully I will be able to give a post on the Redneck-Soap-Opera-Smack-Down as apparently it is still going on! Oh my god!

Prayers Needed

2007-08-19T23:03:00.000-04:00

I went down to see Mr. P again this weekend and got a call this morning from my sister. My dad was admitted to the hospital this morning for a Staph Infection. I've yet to see him but it sounds like he might be doing a little better. They will keep him for a few days. I will post once I get the time but it might be a bit. Please send prayers in this direction.

Mr. P

2007-08-15T09:29:00.000-04:00

I cracked up when I logged in and saw my title from my last post. I'm Survived. Nice.

I want to include a little disclaimer. I am not going to hold ANYTHING back. If you do not want to read about my sex life then for the love of Pete.... STOP reading! To my sister and brother.... stop reading NOW! :) OK, you've been warned.

On with the show. I drove down to Indiana on Friday afternoon. I arrived at the hotel around 7:30pm and called Mr. P to let him know I was there. I also called my mother to let her know and I had talked to my sister on the way down.

He arrived at the hotel to pick me up to go to dinner. Nothing has ever felt so awkward. We just kind of walked up to each other and stood there. No kiss, no hug, just a whole lot of anxiety and nerves. We arrived at the restaurant and had to wait for a table. MORE awkwardness. We just sat there and tried to make small talk. Mr. P is a really quiet guy normally and then if you add a huge case of nerves on top of it.... he clams right up.

We made it through dinner, he had a drink to try to relax and I didn't have a drink to try to avoid throwing up on him (successful on both sides). We decided to take a drive to see some of the amazing mansions around there. I was afraid that he was NEVER going to make a move on me but I didn't want to make the first one either so I took his hand. Apparently that had the right effect. Soon he pulled the car over by a residential lake and he leaned over and kissed me.

The End.

OK, not really but that WAS the end of my hope of not sleeping with him that weekend! :)

I have never experienced such an amazing first kiss! If I hadn't been sitting down I think my legs would have buckled!

The rest of the weekend is a blur of sex, sleeping, eating and more sex! It was wonderful!!!! We also did some other things (like feed the ducks at the park) but really it was all either sex or a short break from sex.

Yes, we did talk and we had an amazing connection on an emotional level but I know that you guys really are not interested in that! :)

So back to the sex. It was AMAZING. He knew exactly where to touch me and what to do. Let me tell you about his tongue. This man has the most amazing tongue in the entire world. I practically had an orgasm just from kissing him.

It was also a VERY educational weekend for me. I'm very inexperienced in all things sexual so this weekend included a lot of new things for me. Let me say... Mr. P is a VERY good teacher! I learned that I really enjoy the male body and all the wonderful things it can do and that I like the things I can do with it!

Alright, that about sums it up. Well, not really but I'm getting way too turned on remembering all of this! Have questions? Please ask!

Next post will hopefully be an update on the STILL continuing saga of the 'Redneck Soap Opera Smackdown.'

I'm Survived!!!!!

2007-08-12T23:39:00.000-04:00

I just got home.

I had the BEST time of my life!

More info after I get some sleep!

Update on #4

2007-08-09T09:58:00.000-04:00

I wanted to give you an update on #2 but I don't have the time to do it justice at the moment. For now you will have to settle with #4, which should be twice as good as #2 (ha ha ha, shut up, I need sleep).

I met this guy in a chat room and we have really hit it off. He lives about 4 hours away from me and I am going down to meet him this weekend. I have never done anything like this before but I am really excited.

I will post his full name, address, phone number, email address, screen name, pin number and mother's maiden name before I leave town. If you don't hear from me by next week, you will know what to do. Please God, don't let him be a serial killer (or someone who likes poetry... I hate poetry).

In other news, I have lost about 30 pounds (in three months), which is great. Except I lost most of it in my boobs, which is not so good. Except my boobs were HUGE to begin with and now they are normal sized. I went to the store that is owned by the 'Bra Nazi' as I like to call her. They have all sorts of amazing underthings and you also get a free feel up with every bra! Nothing I like better than standing topless in front of a strange woman only to have her put a bra on me and then start adjusting my boobs. I found out that I went down 3 cup sizes and 2" in band size. I got this wonderful new bra that raises my boobs to about eyebrow level. Its so sexy. I keep getting startled by my boobs. All of a sudden they pop out of no where. Very strange.

Still Alive....

2007-08-06T13:00:00.000-04:00

WOW.

Boy did I have a weekend!

This is a brief update brought to you in list form. (I know, I'm such a tease)

1. I've gone on to have many more flashing sessions over the Internet but this time I knew what I was doing. (Just kidding Mandy, seeing if you are paying attention)

2. Friday I heard from Tom. That is where most of the WOW comes from.

3. Girl's Weekend was fun.... lots of drinking, gabbing, shopping and laying in the sun!

4. I met someone new. He is awesome!

5. My computer has a virus and I have an ear infection... we are spending so much time together that we share everything. Soon our cycles will be the same!

5. The salad that I ate for lunch made me kinda gassy. (you're welcome)

I will provide more on #'s 2 and 4 shortly and email me if you want to hear more about my gas.

My Encounter with a Flasher!

2007-07-31T08:45:00.000-04:00

I have been chatting online with someone new for a few days now. I don't expect it to go any where but it is fun so I'm going with it. I have a web cam that I bought when I first started talking to Tom, he is the only person I have used it to chat with besides my brother. Well this guy (Mr. X) has a cam and in the beginning of talking I told him I did not have one. He was fine with that; I have pics that I can share and I'm more comfortable doing that. Last night he brought it up again (wanting to see me) and I felt fairly comfortable with him at that point so I decided I would hook up my camera.

Cue the dramatic music.

We had been chatting away for a while when all of a sudden he stood up. My heart flipped in terror. If you are not familiar with chatting online with web cameras.... well let's just say that if you don't know the person you can NEVER know what to expect to see.

Thankfully he just walked away from the camera, basically showing me what he looks like (yes, with clothes on). He is from a different country and his English is not the greatest (that is why I'm sure it is not going anywhere) so sometimes it takes a little work to figure out what he is trying to say. For example when he was trying to say that he wanted to see me on camera he actually said that he wanted to see me on him. Which was a little awkward. But we finally straightened it out. :)

Some important details you should know. It was about 10:30pm and I was in nothing but my silk robe because it was hot out and I had my A/C turned warmer than usual. I live alone and am comfortable walking around my apartment half dressed. I was sitting on the floor in front of the couch and my laptop was on the coffee table. All he could see on the camera was above my shoulders.

After he showed me what he looked like from head to toe he started asking me to do the same thing. I told him no. I explained that I wasn't dressed and that would be embarrassing. We went back and forth for quite some time about it, just having fun teasing each other. At one point he turned his chair around and refused to look at the camera, trying to get me to comply. I just laughed at him. We went on to talk about other things but soon he came back to the subject.

At this point I was starting to get annoyed and even if I had thought about standing up, he had bugged me too much and I was refusing just because he was being annoying. Then as 'punishment' he shut his camera off. Which was no big deal to me. In response I shut my camera off. So we were basically having a Mexican stand off. Both of us sitting there with our cameras off and both waiting for the other to say something. I had been sitting on the floor for a few hours at this point and I was getting a little sore. So I leaned back on the couch and stretched my arms out to the side.

It was at this point he started typing something. I couldn't understand what he was saying so he typed it again.... 'nipple'.... came up on the screen. I sat there trying to think of all of the things he could possibly mean... then I glanced up and saw the little green light on my web cam still lit up.

I had closed MY view of my camera. It was in fact still on.

I was sitting there with my robe untied, which was no big deal until I leaned back and stretched my arms. At that point my robe must have come all the way open. I had just given Mr. X a full frontal shot while refusing to show him what I looked like FULLY DRESSED.

I have never been so mortified. On the plus side, Mr. X assured me that I have lovely nipples. (Someone shoot me now).

A Brand New Me!

2007-07-28T19:46:00.000-04:00

Or at least some brand new feet! I had my pedicure this afternoon and it was wonderful! I had the whole salon listening intently at my update on the Tom situation. I've not been there in 3 weeks and the last my technician knew things with Tom were great. So needless to say, everyone was laughing and Cindee (my tech) was so angry at Tom! I offered to give her his address so she could vent her anger! Then all of the women there were giving me advice on where I should go to meet guys and one even wanted to hook me up with her son! Uh... thanks! :) Then I spent a little too much time in the sun and now I'm supposed to be cleaning but I'm chatting with a bunch of different people on the puter! Time for a martini!!

Friday Fill-in

2007-07-27T14:00:00.000-04:00

Janet is sponsoring 'Friday Fill-in' and it looked like some fun! My answers are in bold

1. Yesterday I was excited about a possible new relationship.
2. Today I am missing my old relationship.
3. Tomorrow I will get a pedicure.
4. Someday I'm going to go to Alaska.
5. I will never say I will never do something (unless it involves eating bugs)!
6. I might get a tatoo.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to Girls Night Out!, tomorrow my plans include sleeping and cleaning my apartment and Sunday, I want to fall in love! (or at least watch a good movie!)

SPF Friday!

2007-07-26T18:53:00.000-04:00

Ok the theme for this week was "Rainbow" and you can't tell cause the little goober made a move to grab my phone as I was taking the picture but there is a rainbow of colors on top of the lions head on her bib. I decided to use this picture because Ella more than anything is my rainbow. She is bright, colorful and full of life!

Email from a Friend

2007-07-25T13:06:00.000-04:00

One night, I had a wondrous dream; One set of footprints there was seen. The footprints of my precious Lord, But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared, And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
"Those prints are large and round and neat, But, Lord, they are too big for feet."

"My child," He said in somber tones. "For miles I carried you alone. I challenged you to walk in faith, But you refused and made me wait.

You disobeyed, you would not grow, The walk of-faith you would not know. So I got tired and fed up, And there I dropped you on your butt,

Because in life, there comes a time, When one must fight, and one must climb, When one must rise and take a stand, Or leave their butt prints in the sand."

Captivating

2007-07-23T20:27:00.000-04:00

I have had the book "Captivating" by John & Stasi Eldredge for years. I have attempted to read it a few times but found it too painful. I clearly wasn't in the right place in my life where it would have been helpful to read. I arrived at that place about 4 months ago.

It's a very nice place. I've never been here before. I found it so new and exciting that I ran ahead on the path and tasted some of the wonderful things to come. Now I'm retracing my steps a little to get back in step with the Lord and rejoin Him on my journey.

The book starts off with a quote that really speaks to me
"Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin

I have been on a very specific branch of my journey for about a year and a half. I have come such a far way in such a short time that I can't even believe it. It is taking a lot of time and pain but the results have blown me away. The best part is that it's not even close to being over. I'm not close to being done! This is just the beginning!

I have no idea what lies ahead for me but I am certain that it is wonderful, beautiful, painful and priceless.

I have struggled with depression for so long and have been barely alive. When I came to the place that I'm in now, I just ran. Ran as far and as fast as I could from all the 'bad' feelings. I didn't want to remember the pain. I wanted to bathe in the happiness, pleasure and contentment. And that was fine for a while, it was a nice vacation. But I still have a long way to go and I don't want to stop and settle down here when I know that better things are waiting for me. I must remember what it was like in order to really appreciate what a miracle it is that I'm here.

I started this blog as a way to get myself to journal more. Then as I got more involved with reading other people's blogs it changed. I wanted people to be able to get to know me (like I was them). I've always struggled with being a 'good girl', wanting everyone to like me. It was my sole goal in life to please everyone and to make sure they were happy. You can see where the depression comes in, can't you? I've slid back into that role with this blog. I want to make people laugh, to let them know that they matter... to be important to them. Slowly, that became the purpose of this blog.

I'm taking my blog back to it's original purpose. I'm going to use it as a journal for this leg of my journey. For some reason it is easier to get myself to journal when there is a little 'publish' button involved. Oh, well, what ever works. I will be writing for me and so I'm might not take the time to explain the back stories or try to clarify what I mean. I'm sorry if it turns out to be confusing but, well... it's my blog! :)

I'm sure that I will still have the random posts that are really weird (or just dumb). I might be funny from time to time (it could happen!) after all I am a weird and funny person. But I will wade into the deep end of the pool from time to time... you've been warned!

Down and Out

2007-07-22T20:48:00.000-04:00

We I got hit by something at then end of last week and right now I'm so sick that just walking to the kitchen to get a glass of water leaves me short of breath. Good thing I have this 800 page book to read! Except, do you have any idea how heavy an 800 page book is?? I swear that it must weigh about 40 pounds! (OK, I might be exaggerating by a pound or two but come on! Its freaking heavy!)

I had to cancel my pedicure yesterday because salons are hard enough for me to handle when I'm feeling fine (different smells, chemicals etc. are asthma triggers). Then late yesterday I ventured over to my sister's apartment and I just about died on the walk over. It's like a tenth of a mile from here. My visit there was short and then I came home and went to bed.

Today I have spent all day just sitting around reading. I finally got in the shower about 2 hours ago and by the time I was done I was exhausted. As I'm sitting here I sound like a kitten purring I'm wheezing so loud. I have a feeling this is going to be one of those nights when I wheeze so loud I wake myself up! Good times! :)

On the plus side, I'm on page 554 of the Harry Potter book. I'm enjoying it but I will be sad when it is over. I didn't read the first book until last year, I never thought I would like them. One day I was stranded at my mom's house and didn't have anything to read. I found my brother's copy of the 1st book and started reading it. That night I went to the book store and bought books 2-6. I finished them all with in 2 weeks. I love them!

I Tried to be Good!

2007-07-20T21:45:00.000-04:00

I'm all wooted out! I was a good girl and did not stay up all night last night wooting. But I wooted all day today and up until about and hour ago. It's over now and had a crappy ending but I had fun!

Fair warning, I'm getting the Harry Potter book delivered here tomorrow morning so I won't be posting until after I'm finished reading it! I do have to take a break from reading to go get a pedicure but I figure that will ensure that I take a shower this weekend and change out of my pj's at least once! :)

I'm so excited for that stinking book! Who lives? Who dies???? The anticipation!

I'm being good... I swear!

2007-07-19T12:23:00.001-04:00

It was well after 10 am before I checked on Woot. Turns out that they are having a Woot-Off right now. Thankfully I was up all last night sick with asthma so I was in no shape to monitor the Internet. (Yes, I just said I was thankful that I was suffering from asthma... there is something seriously wrong with me!)

OK, so I am going to allow myself to keep track of what is for sale but I must make myself stay away from the forums. That is what sucked me in last time. I made some friends and we talked and talked for 3 days straight! Must not chat!

In other news, I have made a few changes that I wanted to point out. I created a section called "Awesome Artists I Know" and I really encourage everyone who stops by here to check them out. They are really gifted people! Miriam is going to be taking a little break from performing to have her first baby! We went out to Boone's Restaurant last weekend to see her perform, I'm sorry, we went to see her AND her brother perform. She is so beautiful and talented! Now she is 7 months pregnant and still rocks!!! If you go to her website you can get a sample of her music!

To Woot or Not to Woot

2007-07-18T10:39:00.000-04:00

I've mentioned Woot before but never explained what it is. Woot is a website that puts one thing up for sale at 1am EST. They don't tell you how many they have for sale and once they are gone, they are gone. First come, first serve. You can find some amazing deals on lots of different items.

Then once in a while they have something called a 'woot-off'. They put something up for sale like normal but then when it sells out, they put something else up for sale. This can go on for days. They had one a couple of months ago and I spent way too much time, energy and money on the thing. I know it was a waste for me. But here's the thing. I received their newsletter and in it they allude to there being another woot-off on Thursday. Meaning tonight.... I know that I should stay away but it is fun and exciting and like crack... how can I say no???

On the other hand, I had just decided that I need to stay away from the Internet until I receive and read my copy of the last Harry Potter book. I don't want anything to be ruined. Just this morning I stumbled across some stuff that could have potentially ruined it for me... on Woot's website. I never imagined that I could run into trouble there!

What's a girl to do?

Who Knew?

2007-07-18T10:16:00.000-04:00

You can have so much more energy when you can breathe properly! It's amazing, now if I add a little food to my day... I will be unstoppable!

Wonderful World of Medicine

2007-07-17T09:22:00.000-04:00

I got the results from my ultra-sound back and the doctor says that I do have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome.... just without the cysts. So my ovaries looked normal.

But she says that having cysts on your ovaries is not a mandatory part of having Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. Uh, yeah... I'm thinking second opinion. I'm sure she is right but if a doctor told me that I had a brain tumor.... except for the tumor part.... I would get a second opinion on that too. Just in case. :)

B-day Surprise!

2007-07-16T10:03:00.000-04:00

This was waiting for me in my office on Friday morning! My dad was driving the tractor around the shop Thursday night and found this one, lone sunflower plant. He cut it down, brought it into the office and then set upon the task of finding a vase for it. I think he made the perfect choice, don't you? :)

Later in the morning I had some roses delivered to me from my Uncles Pete & Ed. They are so thoughtful! So by the end of the day I had an office full of flowers! A very nice thing indeed!

Who needs a man when a girl is blessed with such loving men in her family???

No News is Good News...

2007-07-15T20:47:00.000-04:00

Unless you were stupid enough to actually fall in love with the jerk. Then no news is torture and really means it's over.

I know, he was a jerk in the end. But I really did love him and now that the anger is fading, I'm left with the pain and loss. I don't regret it though, which is HUGE for me. I've spent the past 10 years trying to avoid pain at all costs. (FYI: it is not possible) So, for me to actually let myself fall in love and then have it end in me getting hurt and yet I'm still OK.... that is an awesome thing. It's just going to hurt for a while.

P.S.- Thanks for all of the birthday wishes! That really helped brighten my weekend!

Friday the 13th! My Birthday! SPF Friday! Amazon Friday Sale! The Smack-Down Continues!

2007-07-12T21:05:00.000-04:00

So many fun things packed into one title!

I'm not afraid... I was born on Friday the 13th! Yup, it is my lucky day!

This weeks official topic for SPF is "how you protect yourself" and this is my all time favorite way to protect myself: Humor, does a body good.... or at least squashes some of the pain! Pass the xanax please!

I must also tell you about one of the greatest things about Fridays: The Amazon Friday Sale! Go over to http://wantnot.net/ and Mir will have some of the highlights posted. Then continue to go back to her most wonderfully awesome site to reap the benefits of all of the amazing deals and freebies that she finds! I have everyone in my office hooked on Wantnot and I personally have been on the receiving end of some mind blowing deals! Thanks to her, I have all gifts purchased for all holidays through Christmas already and got a deal on EVERYTHING. Mir is smart, pretty, funny... go and listen to her wise words grasshopper!

Fidget is right, I think I'm about to be recruited for the Jerry Springer Show. My redneck-soap-opera-smack-down is still continuing. I received two more emails from Little Miss Psycho. The first wished me luck but then had to point out that she wasn't wishing me luck with Tom.... because he is HERS!!!!!!!!

OOOKKKK crazy pants, I've got it.

The second was telling me that she knew I was still talking to him and that I needed to "delete and move on!!!!!!!!!!!!"

First of all, it's true, I did receive one instant message from him yesterday to which I responded. I assured him that while I had a great time with him, it was obviously not going to work between us and I wished him well. I can totally see why she was threatened by that... I was basically throwing myself at him and begging him to take me back....

Second... "delete"???? Delete and move on.... hmm... I know! She must want me to have the procedure they do in the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"! Just a couple of clicks and bam... Tom is deleted. Is anyone else scared by this woman?

The good thing is now, instead of being mad at Tom for being a butt, I feel really bad for him. This woman does not seem stable and even Tom doesn't deserve to be punished that badly!

Puppylove got Hit by a Truck....

2007-07-11T14:54:00.000-04:00

.... and the truck's name is Jane*

Yup, it was too good to be true. I cried all day yesterday because Tom and I were not seeing eye to eye on somethings and I was pretty sure it was the end. He didn't find it necessary to actually show up when we scheduled a time to talk. Sure sometimes he was only an hour late but then other times he wouldn't show up and then I wouldn't hear from him for days. No IM, phone call or email telling me what happened or that he was even still alive. (Yes, I have a VERY active imagination). I shared with him what I was experiencing and he knew it was hurting me. He even admitted that he was making poor choices and that he was fully responsible. I asked him if he thought I was being fair (whether I was asking HIM to change or asking for his BEHAVIOR to change) and he agreed that I was not out of line or asking something that he could not do.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt over and over (aka: was a doormat). He would ask for my forgiveness, promise to 'work on it' and then do the same thing all over again. I sent him an email on Monday morning telling him that even though I'm a very understanding person, I do have my limits. I told him that without change, I would not be able to go ahead with the relationship as it was. I have yet to get a response from him (surprise).

This morning the whole situation turned into a redneck-soap-opera-smack-down!

I received an email from his ex Jane. She basically told me that she is not his ex but that they are still involved (and have been for almost 3 years). She said that he does "this" all the time. "This" meaning getting involved with other women so she would get jealous and pissed off. She assured me that she did things to piss him off too but that they really love each other and in the end they would always choose each other. She admitted that they have a strange relationship but no matter because they would always end up together. She was kind enough to tell me that she has no hard feelings against me and then she told me in no uncertain terms that she would fight for "her man" and that she will ALWAYS win..........

I'm pretty sure that is 7th grade talk for kicking my ass!

I never thought my view on the situation could change so much so fast. Last night I was crying about the loss and today I can't stop laughing!

All I can say is good luck to the both of them!

*Name changed to protect me from the crazy lady

SPF Friday!

2007-07-06T05:00:00.000-04:00

Yeah! It's Friday again! Last week was so much fun I decided to participate again in Kristine's SPF (if I ever figure out how to put links in I will, I promise. But for now, if you want to see more please click on "Random and Odd" over on the right).

So imagine my surprise when I found out that this weeks topic is 'boob hair'... at least I'm pretty sure it is. Man am I going to feel like an ass if I'm wrong!

OK, so the timing of this is perfect. Tomorrow I'm going in for an ultrasound to find out if I have cysts or maybe tumors on my ovaries. My doctor thinks that I might have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. Guess what one of the MAIN symptoms of PCOS is.... yup! Excess body hair.... ergo the tie in to SPF! How funny is that?

Of course, by funny I mean completely ignore any possibility of having cancer, not being able to have kids, developing diabetes, dying of heart disease.................... and focus on the fact that Kristine got a whole bunch of people to talk about boob hair on the Internet!!!

I guess I'm a little bit nervous.... but if I'm lying on that table with a wand shoved up my ****** and I can't stop snickering about boob hair.... someone is in serious trouble!

This is all I have to say in regards to boob hair:

UPDATE: Turns out that 'Boob Hair' is NOT the topic for SPF friday... yup....I feel like an ass! :) Oh well.... that's me!

What Matters Most...

2007-07-03T01:57:00.000-04:00

10 days from now. 12 years ago. The most important man in my world gave me the most important gift of my life.

I remember that we went to the top of the Park Place for dinner. I felt silly because knew that he had done something similar with my sister when she turned 16 the year before. I thought that he was doing it because he had to... because he had done it with my sister.

Now, I can see the difference. I know that he loves me for who I am. I know that he cherishes me. Right now. As I am.

Unlike me, he is not waiting for me to lose a little more weight... he is not waiting for me to get just a little more color... he is not waiting for me to be a better housekeeper. He loves me completely. He loves all of me. He is my daddy.

As I pass through this time of uncertainty... when I'm unsure of what is going on with the new love in my life... I am certain of one fact... my dad loves me, and that is enough.

SPF Friday

2007-06-29T09:08:00.000-04:00

Kristine at Random & Odd has SPF Fridays. She gives a topic and people post pictures on their blogs. This is my first time playing! You are all very lucky I found something my nephew Carter made for me (otherwise it would had to have been a picture of my ass!)! Carter made this for me for Valentine's Day this year (with a little help from his mom, since he is only 2) and I have it hanging in my office. Such cute little hands!!!!

Happy Friday everyone!

Incentive Pants

2007-06-28T10:43:00.000-04:00

I am wearing my incentive pants! They fit! I'm so excited. I bought these pants 2 years ago at the end of the summer season. They were on sale for about $5 but they were too small. I bought them anyway just knowing that by the next summer I would be able to wear them. Well last summer rolled around and I had gained more weight instead of losing. So instead of wearing these pants I couldn't even wear the ones I had fit into the year before and had to go out and buy the largest clothes I had ever worn.

I found these pants again when I moved a few months ago and I put them in a very visible place in my closet. A few weeks ago I took them down and tried them on... it was no good. I could get them on but there was no WAY that I could zip them. Then yesterday I was running around the office and I kept having to hike my pants up. So this morning it occurred to me to try them on again and they fit!!!!! :)

I'm starting to have a whole new relationship with my body. I no longer find it repulsive but I'm starting to be able to see its beauty. I'm appreciating my body and taking care of it instead of abusing it and I have never felt better!

I stepped on the scale within the last week and it showed that I'm down about 25 pounds. That makes me happy but not as happy as it would have in the past. For the first time in my life I see them as just numbers and not a measurement of my worth. I'm very happy with my weight loss. Mainly I'm happy at how slow it is going. I know that if I lose it too fast than the odds are that I will gain it all back and more. For once I'm not focused on losing weight. I'm concentrating on eating what is right for me and taking care of myself. The weight loss is just a perk.

I can honestly say I have never felt happier or more content.

Pathetic!

2007-06-26T12:57:00.000-04:00

It really irks me that one of the four top news stories in this country is about a certain celebrity being released from jail.

Really? That is one of the most important things going on in our country right now???? For crying out loud! Sometimes I'm embarrassed to be an American.

51st post!

2007-06-18T15:55:00.000-04:00

It's funny how these things work. I just found out that someone I'm pretty close to has also met someone online. We were both a little shy about telling anyone and we both ended up confiding to the same third party about our new loves! This third party lives a very long ways away. I can only imagine how hard they were laughing at us. We work together (and are relatives) yet we were too embarrassed to talk to each other! Now the cat is out of the bag and we can't stop talking to each other about these guys. Just today we were discussing invoicing at work when all of a sudden we found ourselves deep in conversation about long distance relationships... I guess we are both easily distracted right now! :) Our office is going to be full of giggles and humming and dazed looks for the foreseeable future!

I can honestly say that I have never been this happy, excited and nervous all at the same time. Fortunately, the nervousness is much smaller than the others. I just don't know how well I'm going to do with this long distance thing. It has only been a week and I REALLY want to meet him. But then, I think that once I meet him I will not want to part with him. He lives 7 hours away and we will not be able to see each other much. Oh well, it will all work out and there is no point in worrying about it!

In other news, I have moved into my very first, very own office! It is wonderful! I can still hear everything that is going on but it is no longer interfering with my concentration. This is a very good thing! I have some more organizing and sorting to do but everything is finally in my office. I need to get some art for the walls and I'm thinking about painting but that probably would have been a better idea if I did it BEFORE I moved in! I have asthma and sitting in a freshly painted room can cause problems.

A Little Spring in My Step!

2007-06-13T09:07:00.000-04:00

Ok, I can't wait... I've told everyone that I need to before telling the whole world!

I met an amazing man!!!! I'm falling head over heels for him! He is so cute, sweet, nice, kind, funny, smart, warm-hearted, loving... he has the most adorable son and they have a really good relationship... I could go on and on! I feel as high as a kite! I would apologize for the over use of exclamation points but that is exactly how I feel! My life is one big exclamation point!!!!! I have never felt like this before; I'm so happy!

I will try my best not to be annoying... oh, screw that! I'm happy and I am going to be soooooooooo annoying!!! Deal with it! :P

We met over this wonderful, wonderful internet! We have only known each other for a few days but oh man, did we click!

It's so cheesy... I want to run and shout from the rooftops! I've noticed that the world is brighter and more colorful! The birds are singing... the sun is shining.... :) :) :) LIFE IS GOOD!

I'm so happy!

2007-06-12T11:09:00.000-04:00

There is something I'm dying to share but I'm going to wait... too soon. Just know that I am through the roof happy!

How do people keep coming up with new titles?

2007-06-04T15:57:00.000-04:00

It turns out that my computer decided that it had enough of the wooting and REFUSED to let me back on their website! The nerve!

For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, it's no big deal and you probably don't want to know! (If for some reason you are driven mad by not knowing... Google 'woot'. Sorry, I'm lazy!)

On to bigger and better things...
oh yeah, I don't have anything bigger or better...

Instead, I give you, random things about me! (I know you can hardly wait!)

I think I'm allergic to corn
I ate tuna fish mixed with garlic hummus for breakfast
I look really weird with straight hair
The two times I've gone to the grocery store with my sister, I've gotten diarrhea as soon as I walked through the door (No more grocery shopping with you Mandy!)
I have a gnome sitting on my desk
I'm having an asthma attack right now
I love my new used sofa
My niece learned to clap (ok, not technically about me but watching her do it makes me very happy!)
I'm trying to teach my nephew to call his pacifier his 'oral stimulation device'
I'm a sticky note addict

OK, enough for now, I don't want to ruin ALL the mystery!

WOOT! Where did you go?

2007-05-31T15:35:00.000-04:00

For the past two days I have been hooked on the latest woot-off. About 1 hour ago the site suddenly crashed but it was not related to any major new purchases. We were waiting for a product to sell out and then BAM! No more woot.

I am going through withdrawal! They can't do that! I need my fix! I have the shakes and am sweating... I can't stop cold turkey!

Someone bring back the woot!

I Would Have Drowned.

2007-05-25T19:39:00.001-04:00

I was in the fitness center riding a stationary bike last night. Two guys ended up coming in to lift weights. The first guy that came in had on the tightest shirt I have ever seen. Oh, lord was I thankful! He had amazing shoulders and arms. He was wonderful to look at!

So I'm pedaling away (me and my wonderful, sweaty self!) when all of a sudden I get the worst Charley horse in my right calf muscle. I'm pretty sure that I yelled and swore a few times. I couldn't even flex my foot! So eventually the pain lessens and I keep stretching and pedaling. Then I realized that if we had been swimming instead of working out, maybe Mr. Muscle would have rescued me! "Oh, a cramp! Help me, help me!!!" :)

I quickly realized that with as intently as he was adoring himself in the mirror, I probably would have drowned!

Pool Party!

2007-05-25T19:11:00.001-04:00

There was a pool opening party last night at my apartment complex. They had a BBQ and provided all the food and even had margaritas and beer! I got to know the complex manager when we went on a wine tour. (How cool is this place???) She is so much fun! It turns out that there are a lot of people my age here. Up until this point I have mainly seen older couples so this is very good.

I can be kind of a wallflower when I am with a group of complete strangers. OK, it's mainly when I am around single guys my age!! So there was an entire group of guys just hanging around the grill drinking beer and NOT talking. The looked like they were having LOADS of fun. My nephew decided that the spot directly in front of them was the perfect place to dance. So here we are dancing to "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polk-A-Dot Bikini" looking like complete dorks. But I have to say, I don't think I've ever seen Carter so excited! He was having a blast! Oh, I forgot, before he would dance we had to find his new friend Luna (a little girl his age) so they could dance together! How cute is that? I think he has his first crush! Of course, she wanted nothing to do with him and his smooth dance moves. She was more interested in the yellow beach balls that were flying around.

Luna's interest in the beach balls proved to play a pivotal part in my later display of grace, elegance and lady like behavior! Oh, yes! I don't think any of those guys will forget me!

The pool was directly in front of where we were standing and the kids discovered that if they threw the balls into the pool, people would throw them back. The found this very exciting. You never knew where the ball was going to go because the wind was blowing towards us at about 30mph. Obviously a two year old is not going to be able to catch a ball flying at 30 mph! So every time we would have to try to stop the ball for him so he could try to throw it back in the pool. Most of the time he would throw it and it would get caught in the wind and fly in a new direction. So the guys standing behind us were forced to help the kids get the balls that we all missed (this happened a lot and they were so cute doing it!).

So anyway, we were getting ready to leave and my sister tried to kick a ball back into the pool for the other kids to play with. It caught in the wind and blew back at us. I was walking back into the clubhouse but I caught it with my feet and gave it a really hard kick. It again caught in the wind but this time it did a line drive to some poor guys face! I was so embarrassed. I guess I know how to make a lasting first impression!

I'm being watched!

2007-05-24T15:38:00.001-04:00

I just looked at my stat counter thingie (yes. I'm looking at you looking at me, give me a break, i'm soooo bored!) and there was a new listing under the 'Countries list'. Apparently I'm now being viewed from a satellite! I find that a little creepy!

Shout Out to the World!

2007-05-21T10:22:00.000-04:00

People from 13 other countries have visited my blog! Most of my visitors have been from the USA (woohoo!), I would expect that. What surprises me is the country in second place; Australia! Hello Australia! How are you doing? Thanks for stopping by! Next is Canada, China, Hong Kong, Italy, Chile, France, Greece, India, New Zealand, Spain, Turkey & the UK.

Holy Cow! I have been to Canada, Italy and France and the UK but as for the rest of you, it is still a dream! Maybe one day!

To the person who found me by searching "broke my foot" I have to say I'm sorry, that sucks! I hope it gets better soon!

As far as the person who came here after searching 'escape the closet' goes, um, well I hope you found a way to escape! I don't remember saying anything about escaping the closet myself, but if I did, I hope it was helpful!

Google... my dear Google, what were you thinking when you led someone here after they searched for '81a198f9583d26b7782df90ad78f75d1'??? I told you that in PRIVATE and you were not supposed to tell! See if I trust you again!

Why Didn't Someone Tell Me?

2007-05-20T10:37:00.000-04:00

I went for a walk around my apartment complex last night and I found $25 laying on the grass. I have always heard that exercise is good for you but I had no idea that they meant that kind of good for me!

I'm Not a Dog.

2007-05-19T10:58:00.001-04:00

I realized a few weeks ago (with the help of some very wonderful friends) that I have a tendency to roll over and 'take' what ever life may throw my direction. I let life and the people in it walk all over me and then complain about it.

Oops, I guess it doesn't have to be that way! I can't believe that it took me this long to figure it out! Really, it never occurred to me that there was any other way! In some situations I can be a really smart person but then in others I just can't believe the level of my stupidity.

I have been doing much better since I realized this tendency and started to fight. Fight for my health (physical and mental), fight for my relationships. It is very freeing.

I finally found a doctor that wants to do more than write me a script for an antibiotic and push me out the door. She wants to find out WHY I get sick so often, she wants to help me. I am completely touched by her desire to help me and feel very fortunate to have found her. What kind of world are we living in where we can't expect that from all doctors?

Giant Squid Bait

2007-05-01T21:06:00.000-04:00

I've hit a low again. I'm very tired of being depressed. I'm tired of making friends and family worry about me. I'm tired of talking. I'm tired of working. I'm tired of counseling. I'm tired of everything. If you have never experienced depression count yourself lucky. It is one of the meanest things on earth.

It is finally acting like spring outside, my niece, nephew and sister live just up the street, I've lost weight, I have a great apartment, I have a secure job... and I can barely get out of bed in the morning. I just want to be left alone, I want to sleep and sleep. I want to curl up into a dark hole and STOP everything.

It feels like I have been struggling with this forever. When depression hits, it is really hard to see that you ever were happy or trust that you will ever be happy again. The darkness permeates and distorts everything.

2007-04-30T12:45:00.000-04:00

Fell off the wagon

2007-04-29T21:19:00.000-04:00

The last time I cut was October of 2004. Two and a half years ago. I really thought I was beyond cutting. Sure, I've had the desire to do it but I also trusted that I could control myself. Guess not.

Should I be Worried?

2007-04-18T14:39:00.000-04:00

While in a management meeting evaluating employees for a recently opened position in our shop, the following phrase was used to explain the difference between two types of employees.

"That's the difference between a chicken and a pig; the chicken will give you the egg but the pig will lose his ass giving you the ham."

It's scary enough that this phrase would be used during a business meeting in the year 2007. It is even more frightening when it is the CEO who says it.

It is horrifying when that CEO is also your father.

Stuff

2007-04-16T11:31:00.000-04:00

Last week was crazy. It was my first week back to work after my move. It felt good to get back to a routine but I don't really like my job at the moment, so it was hard.

My sister and I started working out in the morning but we have to do it REALLY early so that she can get back home in time for her husband to get to work at 7:00am. So we meet at 5:30am.

I get out of bed at 5:00 am.
As in MORNING.
As in, it is pitch black outside.
Pitch black and 12 degrees.
Pitch black, 12 degrees and snowing.
Pitch black, 12 degrees, snowing and it is an UPHILL walk to the fitness center! (No really, it is!)

I'm enjoying it. It makes me feel good and I'm thrilled that I'm doing it. I discovered the elliptical machine this morning. Oh goodness, I'm going to be so sore!

I have an update on the bedding fiasco. I received a 'Return Authorization' and sent the bad bedding back with the picture. I found another set that I liked (not as much as the cows) and it was a great price, so I bought it. (why, oh why, can't I ever learn from my mistakes???) It arrived in the mail today, closely followed by an email from the bad bedding company. They are refusing to accept the bedding. They will either send it back to me (for $12) or 'dispose' of it for me. Stupid me thought that by giving me the authorization to return their crap, they were giving me the authorization to return their crap.

Of course I'm going to have them send it back to me but if I actually use it as bedding I'm afraid that my blood pressure is going to go off the chart every time I look at it! Not exactly what you want when you are trying to wind down to go to sleep.

On the plus side, everyone I know is trying to hook me up. Two ladies from my Monday night group told me that they have single son's and would LOVE to have me as a daughter! One's son is emotionally messed up (you know its bad if his Mom admits it) and the other is in a relationship (but his mom really doesn't like the girl!) My sister has been going on about the cute guy that we saw at the workout place. Then this morning she said that she found a guy for me at church yesterday. He came in 3rd place for some Mr. BodyBuilder contest. Yeah, that's the guy for me.

I LOVE my bed

2007-04-15T13:05:00.000-04:00

I have a ton of things that I need to get done but I can't seem to force myself to stay out of bed! It's so soft and warm and inviting...

maybe I'll just take a little nap, after all, Sunday IS the day of rest!

Back to the Grind

2007-04-09T11:35:00.000-04:00

Get it? I work at a stainless factory...

Well vacation was very nice but I knew it had to end sometime. I've only had 3 meetings and had to deal with 5 crisises so far today! I'm starting to remember why I needed a break!

Van Gogh

2007-04-05T06:00:00.000-04:00

My ear itches so much that I think I am going to start digging in it with a knife!!

I have been dealing with this problem, off and on for 6 months or longer.

I have concluded that my doctor knows NOTHING except how to prescribe antibiotics. What now?

What is Wrong with Me?

2007-04-04T17:23:00.000-04:00

This makes me laugh so hard! I love it! I need to step away from the computer before I buy it...

I'm Such an Ass

2007-04-04T12:40:00.000-04:00

I am really glad that the company I was ranting about in my previous post only allows contact through email. Otherwise I would have made a HUGE ass of myself.

Turns out the company I was talking about made my bedding but I ordered it through another company. OOOPPSSS. On the packing slip it had the manufacturer's info up at the top, then it had the company I purchased it from in the 'sold to' area and my info in the 'ship to' area. Turns out that the company I actually purchased the stuff from has a more traditional return policy. So once I figured out my mistake, I emailed the correct company and a few hours later I had a return authorization number! I am so relieved!

Now, maybe if I save up enough money I can get the bedding that I really want!

&&%^$##@(&&&^@!$!!^%&

2007-04-02T16:24:00.000-04:00

I ordered some bedding. I got the bedding. The bedding was not as it was pictured. I decided to return the bedding.

Anyone know what is coming next???

This company doesn't accept returns. Who doesn't accept returns???????? I am so angry!!! I even checked their FAQ section before I ordered and there was not ONE word mentioned about their non-existent return policy!

I have since tracked down the policy (even doing a search for "returns" on their site gave me nothing!) and it says that bedding that has been opened will not be accepted. I think their packages should SAY that on them so people will see that BEFORE opening them! Then they say that their wall art is all CUSTOM MADE, so it can't be returned. WTF?????

The only way to contact them is through e-mail. Good call on their part, someone would be getting an ear full right now!

Vacation- EDITED

2007-04-02T13:48:00.000-04:00

I walked over to my sister's apartment this morning and played with the kids for a while. Then my mom came over and she and I took Carter with us grocery shopping. We figured that even though my sister can get through the grocery store with two kids, it would take both of us to manage a two-year-old and still remember to buy groceries!

I had so much fun! Carter is so verbal, I can't believe some of the things that come out of his mouth! If I tried to put something into the cart that he didn't think he would like he would say "No, don't like that. Put it back on shelf" Then once I explained that it was for ME and it was OK that he didn't like it because I wouldn't make him eat it, then he would let me put it in the cart. Once we were done at both stores and had eaten lunch, we got back into the car. He asked me "What doing, Boo?" (My name is Auntie Boo) I said that we were going to go back to his apartment and he replied "I would love to!"

So now I have a kitchen filled with groceries and LOTS of stuff to do around here and all I can think about is taking a nap! I can't decided if I should push myself to get everything done early in the week and then goof off later or let myself rest now and make myself get everything done later. Knowing me, I should push to get stuff done now... well, maybe one nap wouldn't hurt! :)

I'm trying to pick out a duvet cover for my bed. I bought one but it turned out to be different than what I thought it would look like. So I need to return it and find something different. I am really into brown, teal and lime green right now. I want something rather dark because all the walls are white. I can paint but I really don't want to right now. Also, I have no idea what I would paint it. I think I'm going to go with the duvet cover below. I'm going to think about it for a few days and maybe look in town, but I really like it.

Here you go Jules! I found this bedding at:

http://www.classicduvets.com/styledetail.asp?cid=280

Self-Abuse

2007-03-31T23:14:00.000-04:00

I have struggled with self-abuse for a very long time. I think I was about eight years old the first time I intentionally hurt myself.

It's one of those things that I hoped would magically disappear once I became a Christian. Unfortunately, I still struggle with the desire to cut, burn or otherwise injure myself.

I decided to start writing tonight as a way to distract myself. I've noticed a similarity between these 'attacks' of wanting to hurt myself and the panic attacks that I have. It seems that if I can wait them out then they will pass.

I take xanax for panic attacks and would try it for this attack except I took some earlier for a panic attack and don't want to get used to taking too much.

Ok, ok, ok........

I decided to take this coming week off of work. I'm fried. I work for my dad (he has two businesses and I am the office manager for both) and need a break. He just came back from a three-week vacation and wants to get a lot done so I don't think he is very happy with me taking time off. There was a time that just the thought of possibly making him unhappy would have kept me at work but not any more. I NEED a break. I need to get things under control and reevaluate things in my life.

I'm taking this time for me.

Wow, I feel better!

Maintenance Man

2007-03-27T20:51:00.000-04:00

In my previous post I mentioned that my new washer sounds like a herd of gazelle are trying to break out of it when it goes into the spin cycle. In addition to that I had a closet door that didn't want to open and a shower head that sprayed everywhere but INSIDE the bathtub.

I had planned on writing something about how when ever anyone in the building runs water I know because it activates a waterfall that is inside my walls. Or about how the person who lives above me is a vampire because he/she is only active at night. Or how I want to outlaw all remote controlled car locks that cause the horn to beep and the lights to flash. I was going to write about those things. That is, until I met the maintenance man.

He came by yesterday and fixed the shower head and closet door. He left a note saying that he couldn't find the problem with the washer and he left me his phone number so I could call him. When I called I tried to explain the noise a little better (what it sounds like, when it happens...) I also told him that I would put a load in the washer so he could run it to see what I mean.

My guess is that he is new in this position. How on earth did he check the washer out without running it??? He also told me that my washer and dryer are different from all of the others in the complex and that he is not very familiar with them. (Great!!!) I told him that I would have a load in and all of the settings ready to go.

I stopped by my apartment this afternoon and it turns out that he was here so I got to meet him. He is around my age and very cute. He has dark hair and aparently likes to pee with the door open.

Yup, nothing says 'welcome to the neighborhood' like a cute guy with his penis in his hands!

Cycles of Life

2007-03-26T13:10:00.000-04:00

Don't worry, I came to my senses. We did not paint.

I can't believe how much we got done this weekend! My entire living room, dining room and kitchen are DONE! Pictures on the walls, bookcases assembled and installed decorations every where!

My favorite thing about my new apartment:

Oh, beautiful, high capacity, stack-able washer and dryer! I LOVE YOU!!

If they can only make you stop sounding like someone is trying to break into my apartment every time you go into a spin cycle I think we will have a wonderful relationship!

She's CRAZY!

2007-03-22T15:33:00.000-04:00

My sister just called me and told me I need to paint my apartment before I move in! I start moving in tomorrow. She's nuts...its WAY too late to think about that. No way, it can't be done!

But I do have a group of women coming over tomorrow afternoon... I guess we don't have to start unloading the trailer that night... I do have enough help on Saturday to get 2 trailer loads done... it would be nice to have a little color in there... ... ... ... Oh, crap! Now I have to go find some paint!

I Get The Hint. I'm Going, I'm Going

2007-03-22T09:18:00.000-04:00

The post office started forwarding my mail at the end of last week and yesterday they turned off my phone and Internet.

I have nothing left in my apartment. What am I supposed to do without the Internet??????

Butterfly Effect

2007-03-20T20:34:00.000-04:00

I just watched the movie and I love it. I had no idea I could like Ashton Kutcher so much. He does a great job in this movie. I like movies and books that have a main character that struggles with reality and their sanity.

The directors cut is way different than the theatrical one. I wonder why they wouldn't let the director release it the way he wanted to; its a shame becasue it's better.

Uncoordinated

2007-03-19T16:21:00.000-04:00

I went in to the sleep lab a month ago to be tested for sleep apnea. They glued EKG patches to my chest and sensors glued on my face and legs. I told them that I had really sensitive skin so they used some kind of skin barrier. It stunk so bad that I instantly had an asthma attack. Nothing relaxes you like a few shots of albuterol (aka liquid speed).

Then they cemented some sensors to my head.......... with cement .................. on my head.
I have very thick, very curly hair that will only let me wash it every 5 days. If I try to wash it more frequently it FREAKS out. Then I have scary hair. They required me to come in with clean hair (I had to go without hair gel so I already looked like a chia pet) and then cemented these things to my head! I got up the next morning and had to wash it and then blow it dry because it was 4 degrees outside. Let me tell you, I did not have happy hair. I think it is still angry with me. Don't ever piss off curly hair cuz it knows how to hold a grudge!

Finally you get a glowing oxygen sensor taped to your finger (E.T. phone home), bands strapped around your chest and stomach and a tube shoved up your nose. Then they tell you go to sleep. Yeah right, like that's going to happen. It was the worst night of my life.

They tell you that if you need to use the bathroom then just say it out loud because there is a camera and microphone in the room and they will come in and unhook you from the wall. As I tend to turn over in one direction I quickly got into trouble. At one point I got so tangled up that I had to call out for help because I couldn't move! All in all, it was not fun and not something that I ever wanted to do again.

So last night I got a call from the sleep lab because they had my results. Turns out I stopped breathing on average of 17 times a minute (they said that 5 is considered normal). She said that the alarming thing was how low my oxygen levels went. Apparently they like your levels to be 96 or higher. I was as low as 83 for an unacceptable amount of time. She said that they recommended a c-pap machine and that they work with air pressure. You get a face mask that creates air pressure that keeps your air way open while you sleep. She told me that normally they don't have to supplement with oxygen but they wouldn't know that until I came back for another sleep test while using a c-pap machine! Looks like they forgot to mention the fact that I WOULD HAVE TO DO IT TWICE!!

I think I am going to go back because she used the word 'alarming'. That makes me worried. I already have a family history of heart disease.

So if you are coordinated enough to be able to sleep and breathe at the same time, give yourself a pat on the back. If not, go get stuff cemented to your head, its fun!

T-Minus 5 days!

2007-03-18T19:04:00.000-04:00

I have to say that I have some amazing people in my life! My sister came over on Wednesday and got a lot more done than I thought possible. I was going to have a friend from work come over Thursday night and one on Friday night to help but I had to cancel because I was so sick. On Saturday morning they both came over with my Aunt (who lives downstairs). In four hours they almost completely packed up my entire apartment! I only have a few things left to go through and pack, then all that is left is the cleaning! I am getting really excited for this change!

Anyone have some ideas for thank you gifts? I have never been in this situation before and don't know what is appropriate.

The Good News & The Bad News

2007-03-15T20:12:00.000-04:00

The Good News: I discovered the love of my life! Afrin Nasal Spray! How have I lived with out this wonderful, magical product? I had a completely plugged up nose and with two little squirts I can now BREATHE again!

The Bad News: I used the spray before taking the new cough medicine I bought. That wouldn't usually be bad news but as it turns out this cough medicine tasted like a three week old rotting carcass of a skunk that had been soaked in vomit and covered in Vicks Vapo Rub. Had I taken the cough medicine first maybe my lack of tasting would have enabled me to keep the product in my stomach. Buckley's Cough medicine is the nastiest shit I have ever tasted (TWICE).

Anyone want to come over to my house? It's loads of fun!

I love being right

2007-03-15T10:28:00.000-04:00

I have an ear infection and a sinus infection. I'm not sure if it is new or never went away from last month.

My sister came over last night to help me get organized and pack. She is a cleaning Nazi!!!! She wouldn't stop! (I love her for that very reason) I am amazed at what we were able to get done. She brought her 2 kids over so that her husband could come pick them up after he was done with work. Her son is 2 years old and her daughter is 6 months. They were both so good!

Oh! I forgot! I finally found a new home for my fantail goldfish! He was NOT going with me on this move. I'm so tired of having a fish. He was a gift from my sister (yeah, thanks) and I have had him for FOUR years! I thought it was a rule that they only lived 6 months. Nope, turns out they can live up to TEN YEARS.

I had to sit down with my fish and tell him that it wasn't his fault, it was me. I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment right now. I mean, we have had some fun, some good times but we both knew this wasn't serious, right? There is only so long you can clean up someone elses shit without expecting to hear 'I love you' in reply. Frankly, I don't think he is up for it. This is for the best.

Sick, sick, sick

2007-03-14T12:35:00.000-04:00

Good thing: I escaped from the Giant Squid (other wise known as depression). I wish I could say that I killed it but I know better than that. I was able to esacpe for now.

Bad thing: I'm sick.

I made an appointment with the doctor for this afternoon. I think I have another sinus/ear infection. That's really helpful timing! I tend to go from sorta sick to 'in bed for 2 weeks' sick quite easily. I am going to try to avoid that.

However maybe this is the way to get out of packing. I can come down with pneumonia and be admitted to the hospital. Then all my friends would have pity in me, so they would pack and move FOR me!

Giant Squid Bait

2007-03-12T21:49:00.000-04:00

Ever feel like you are just finally able to get your head above water only to be sucked back under by a giant squid?

I'm ready for spring.

Time for a Party!

2007-03-11T17:37:00.000-04:00

No, I'm not done moving yet (wouldn't that be nice) but I did get more done this weekend than I thought I would! I am very impressed with myself. So now it is off to a goodbye party for one of my friends. She is taking the next 10 months or so to walk the Appalachian trail. I can't quite grasp why one would intentionally do that. Let alone think it is fun, but what ever makes her happy!

Blow by Blow

2007-03-10T08:43:00.000-05:00

8:43 am
I've decided to do a running log of everything I get accomplished today. After all, what could be more fascinating than reading about all of the creative ways I find to avoid doing things. Uh, I mean, all the creative ways I find to pack my 2 bedroom apartment into a 1 bedroom apartment. Yeah, that's what I meant.

So first up for the day is to get dressed and meet my friend for coffee. (Shut up, it will SO help me get my apartment packed... packing requires caffeine... duh!) The coffee place makes awesome sandwiches so I plan to bring one home for lunch. Nothing says incentive like avocado on a sandwich! Yum!

11:53 am
I just got back from coffee. It was wonderful to catch up with my friend. I had a large coffee and am slightly jittery from all the caffeine. So I'm going to eat lunch now and then get started on my packing. Really, I will.

12:53 pm
Hmm, I'm seeing a pattern with my blogging times. Weird.

1st- I ate WAY too much for lunch. The sandwich was awesome but I should have only eaten 1/2 of it. I'm so full that bending over is uncomfortable.

2nd- I put in a load of laundry (I can't believe that the laundry room was available on a Saturday! It is NEVER open then. It's very good that it was cause I'm out of clean undies, TMI? Sorry)

3rd- I'm starting to fill my third large garbage bag with clothes to donate! I just don't have a spot for the bags... Wait, I'll put them in the bathtub! Perfect!

1:32 pm
Apparently I have the attention span of a fruit fly. This sucks. Anyone have some extra self-discipline? I could really use some right now.
I successfully filled 3 large trash bags with garbage and actually took them out to the dumpster! Follow-through. Woo hoo!
I also have one less lampshade that needs to be packed and moved. I never knew a plastic/fabric lampshade could shatter like that. Impressive.

2:50 pm
Two more bags full for donating and one more for the garbage and another load in the washer. Man, I have a lot of crap. I am such a pack rat!

4:14 pm
I think I have hit the point of saturation. I can't take any more sorting and I am starting to keep things I should throw away. Not good. I found these little bear book mark things from when I was around 7 years old. I am struggling to throw them away. What is wrong with me? Why do I still have these? I can't get myself to throw them away.

6:46 pm
I took a break and went over to see my sister and her family. She and her husband were trying to get some pictures done of their two kids. My brother-in-law does photography as a "hobby" but he is really good. They had purchased some material to use as a backdrop and some spring/Easter props. I was on the "make-an-idiot-out-of-yourself-to-get-the-kids-to-smile" committee. He got some great shots! I got a much needed break, then picked up some food and wine for dinner.

9:29 pm
Wow, I found some really cool shoes that I don't even remember owning! I'm almost done with ONE small closet.
Yes, I have that much crap.
Now I am going to finish watching "Return to Oz"

What a day.

Moving Part 1

2007-03-09T19:13:00.000-05:00

I have 2 weeks to pack up my apartment and move. I have a couple of things preventing me from getting started.

1. I am a big time procrastinator
2. I am highly unorganized
3. I have perfectionistic tendencies
4. I am easily overwhelmed

So instead of doing anything productive, I am sitting at my computer wasting time. There is so much to do, I am overwhelmed and don't know where to start.

I think I'm going to watch a movie and turn in early (I was up until 3:30 last night). Then I will start in the morning.

I better call my sister and tell her to keep me accountable otherwise I will keep putting it off! I love having her in my life. It's such a good relationship. I need someone to give me crap once in a while and she LOVES doing it (all the time).

Time for a Change

2007-03-09T18:55:00.000-05:00

Well, I have not heard back from my landlord about the townhouse, and I am extremely annoyed. I hardly ever need anything from them but the few times that I have, it has been impossible to get a response. I broke my foot last winter and we have 10 steps leading up to the building. When our shovel came up missing (that very weekend that I broke my foot) I called to get a replacement. It took 2 weeks to get a shovel. By then my dad had gone to the hardware store and picked one up. Geeze.

The bright side is that I won't have to put up with that anymore. I decided to take a really nice 1-bedroom apartment across town. I am so excited! It has french doors that lead out to the patio, stacker washer and dryer (high capacity!) and an amazing shelving/organization system in the closets! Oh, and you can paint the walls!!! I have lived with white walls for 4 years! I can't wait for some color!

It is much smaller than my current apartment but that is good. I have so much stuff that I don't need. It will be a lot of work but nice to get rid of all the junk. Besides that, costs more so I will be forced to get a better control on my finances.

My sister and her family are moving over there into a two bedroom unit for six months (until their house is finished). It will be nice to be so close to her and her kids. She has a little boy who just turned 2 and a little girl who will be 5 months old on the 21st. I can't get enough of those kids!

Hiccups

2007-03-09T13:39:00.000-05:00

I don't normally mind having hiccups. But these are mean, violent ones! I have had them since last night and they WON'T go away.

Daylight Savings Time

2007-03-08T11:26:00.000-05:00

How can someone just decide to change time?? It seems to me that time should be a constant. Not something we change around. So daylight savings time has been moved up to this weekend. Good thing I have people around me who pay attention to these things or I would have been completely messed up.

Duh!

2007-03-07T19:56:00.000-05:00

Last week I came to the conclusion that I needed to protect myself, I needed to stand up for myself, I needed to keep myself safe. While this idea started out alright I quickly brought it to a negative place. I eventually had concluded that I needed to protect myself from God. I instantly recognized this as a lie but I didn't know where to go from there.

I was in a pretty miserable place. I was resolutely angry. I did not want to budge from that spot. I was afraid that I was not going to be able to move forward. Then today it hit me. I need to take control and responsibility for and in my life. I am sitting here complaining that I am sad yet I am doing nothing to make myself happy (besides counseling and taking Prozac). In fact, I am doing things that promote unhappiness, yet I still complain about being sad.

I can take charge of my life while still submitting to God. In fact, He didn't create me to be a rag doll, He wants me to have boundaries and be strong. It's time to DO something about my life.

Wonderful World of Drugs

2007-03-07T12:00:00.000-05:00

Did you know that if you have an anxiety disorder and start a new allergy/asthma medicine it can trigger panic attacks?

Did you know that if it sneaks up on you while you are in a business meeting discussing an overwhelming project with a consultant you will suddenly burst into tears?

Did you know that you would then start hiccuping uncontrollably in reaction to trying to get yourself under control?

They could have warned me...

Britney Moment

2007-03-06T10:05:00.000-05:00

This morning I channeled Britney while getting ready for work. I was in the bathroom, picked up a pair of scissors off the counter, and was overwhelmed with the urge to start hacking away at my hair. Thank goodness I resisted, I definitely could not pull of the bald look as well as she has!

Living arrangements

2007-03-04T22:55:00.000-05:00

I currently live in a 2 bedroom apartment for which I pay $535 a month. I have lived here for almost 4 years. I moved out of my parents house in March of 2003. My parents were gone on vacation and I had not had any previous thoughts of moving out. One Sunday I was looking through the local classifieds and saw an ad that sounded too good to be true. It said that there was an open house the following Tuesday so I made a mental note to drive by.

At that time I was 23 years old and working part-time for my parent's companies and going to school part-time. I had moved back into their house after my full-time college expedition had not gone as expected.

I drove by the apartment complex (which was 3 miles away from the house I was currently living in) and thought that it looked kind of shabby. I drove right by and decided to continue on my way to work. Half way to the shop I realized that it was fear that kept me from going to look at the apartment. After all, what could it hurt to LOOK at the apartment. So I turned around and went back to look at it.

As I drove up I could see someone standing out on a balcony looking bored. As I got out of my car she called down, asking if I was there to look at the apartment. I said 'yes' and she told me how to get up to the apartment. When I walked in the front door I immediately loved the open space of the living/dining room (which opened on to the balcony) but it was the walk-in closet that I fell in love with. I filled out the application and left. Two hours later the landlord was on the phone offering the apartment to me!

This apartment has been good to me. Yet one thing I have really missed in the last 4 years is a washer and dryer. At this point I would do almost anything to have a washer and dryer all to myself.

My lease is up the end of March and thankfully my landlord is willing to go month-to-month once my lease expires in case I have not found another place to live. I have been working with them for a few months on another place to live but I'm not sure it is going to work out. The have some condos for sale. But I don't think I am ready to buy a place and if I were I'm not sure that is the right place. So there is a possibility that they might rent one of the 3-bedroom townhouses to me. This unit has a garage in the basement, the main level has a living/dining room, kitchen, 1/2 bath and entry way. The upstairs has three bedrooms, a full bathroom and a washer and dryer hookup. It would normally be out of my price range but my landlord said that she would talk to the owner to see if he would be interested in re-renting the place out but for a lower price (since they know me and know that I won't wreck the place). I have tried not to get my hopes up but I don't think I have succeeded.

The other place I have looked at is a one bedroom apartment with a washer and dryer for $685 per month. It has a patio and a club house with a fitness center, recreation room and an outdoor pool. That is quite a step up in price yet I would be losing space. I am not sure what to do. Space or convenience?

The other thing that complicates the matter is that my Aunt lives in the 1-bedroom apartment below me. She has told me that if/when I move out, she wants my apartment. Then, maybe, her daughter could move in with her. My Aunt is a young widow and her daughter is 20 and it might be very good for her to have a good place to live.

Hopefully, I will hear back from my landlord this week and maybe the decision will be made for me.

From this day forward

2007-03-04T20:37:00.000-05:00

From this day forward I am going to

take care of myself
accept myself
tell people how I really feel
stand up for myself
stop pretending everything is fine when it isn't
be sincere

RISK MORE

Melanie Marie - My Journey

Life is a mystery

Settling

We had a fight and I'm covered in bruises...

ch-ch-changes

Still Alive....II

Tom Update Part 1

Update 3.12

One Step At A Time

Prayers Needed

Mr. P

I'm Survived!!!!!

Update on #4

Still Alive....

My Encounter with a Flasher!

A Brand New Me!

Friday Fill-in

SPF Friday!

Email from a Friend

Captivating

Down and Out

I Tried to be Good!

I'm being good... I swear!

To Woot or Not to Woot

Who Knew?

Wonderful World of Medicine

B-day Surprise!

No News is Good News...

Friday the 13th! My Birthday! SPF Friday! Amazon Friday Sale! The Smack-Down Continues!

Puppylove got Hit by a Truck....

SPF Friday!

What Matters Most...

SPF Friday

Incentive Pants

Pathetic!

51st post!

A Little Spring in My Step!

I'm so happy!

How do people keep coming up with new titles?

WOOT! Where did you go?

I Would Have Drowned.

Pool Party!

I'm being watched!

Shout Out to the World!

Why Didn't Someone Tell Me?

I'm Not a Dog.

Giant Squid Bait

Fell off the wagon

Should I be Worried?

Stuff

I LOVE my bed

Back to the Grind

Van Gogh

What is Wrong with Me?

I'm Such an Ass

*&&%^$##@*(&&&^@!$!!^%&

Vacation- EDITED

Self-Abuse

Maintenance Man

Cycles of Life

She's CRAZY!

I Get The Hint. I'm Going, I'm Going

Butterfly Effect

Uncoordinated

T-Minus 5 days!

The Good News & The Bad News

I love being right

Sick, sick, sick

Giant Squid Bait

Time for a Party!

Blow by Blow

Moving Part 1

Time for a Change

Hiccups

Daylight Savings Time

Duh!

Wonderful World of Drugs

Britney Moment

Living arrangements

From this day forward

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